Tag: Narcissism

Ethics, Life, Psychology, Work

Narcissi

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The path to self-knowledge is long and hard. And who is to say whether apparent progress is more than illusion or self-delusion. But I do become increasingly irritated by narcissism. Forgivable, indeed to some extent inevitable in children, why does it persist so in adults?

Of course we are all to some degree self-obsessed. We live alone inside our own thick skulls. But once you’ve been around a few decades you really should know better. As I felt like saying to a number of people this week: “It’s not all about you.”

Apparently, psychopathic behaviour persists in society at a low level, because, if you’re the only psychopath in the village you’re onto a winner – the amoral cat among law-abiding pigeons.

Perhaps that’s why narcissism persists in the workplace too. But we’re supposed to be at work for some form of common good, not to stroke narcissists’ egos. And I’m not just having a pop at bosses, it’s everywhere.

Here’s a handy checklist I stumbled upon today which sets out the warning signs:

Reacts to reasonable criticism with rage, shame or humiliation

Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals

Has feelings of self-importance

Exaggerates achievements and talents

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love

Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

Requires constant attention and admiration

Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy

Has obsessive self-interest

Pursues mainly selfish goals

I pass the test on most of this lot. Maybe I need to watch myself occasionally on ‘expectations of favourable treatment’ – bizarrely and genuinely I still believe I’ll win the lottery one day.

But at least I can occasionally raise my head from admiring my own reflection to look myself honestly in the mirror. Narcissists, take a proper look at yourselves.

Aristotle, Ethics, Life, Philosophy, Truisms, Work

Veni, Vidi, Amici

As I get on in life, I get to spend time with some interesting, clever people. But they can come with sizeable egos. And that can translate into ‘High Status Behaviours’.

That’s not necessarily a problem. ‘Happy High Status’ is feeling good enough about yourself that you can feel relaxed and good about the success and contribution of others. But not everyone manages to keep the ‘Happy’ in High Status.

The alternative is less attractive – being so concerned with your own status that you need everyone else to recognise it. Or worse, to knock down others to assert it. I wonder if there’s a Greek term for that? Narcissism is one.

But whatever you call it, loneliness seems to me to be an inevitable by-product. I think dominant High Status behaviours are completely missing the point of life.

For Aristotle, that central point is to attract and nurture better friends. Friends care for our virtue and excellence, as we care for theirs. The best of friends are the means and end of it all.

But, as Aristotle said:

No one loves the man whom he fears.

He who hath many friends hath none.

No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world.

So why do smart, successful, powerful people sometimes behave in ways that seem to get in the way of true friendship?

Seeking power, wealth and acolytes has always been a primal driver. And on the face of it, it helps not to be too sentimental. But an instrumental view of others – that they are means to your end, hammers useful only as long as there is a nail – is missing the point I feel. As Aristotle also said:

My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.

Friendship of this type is earned, nurtured and freely given, not bought, demanded or taken. About the best thing in life, I reckon, is true Aristotelian friendship.

A contented ego is a prerequisite, but a conceited, instrumental or selfish one just gets in the way. Friendship, not conquest, is the purpose of the good life.