Death, Life, People, Writing

Mourning

My friend Andy passed away most unexpectedly last September. I think about him every day. Small things remind me of him constantly.

One by-product is I have no desire to write. I’ve come to realise that a lot of my scribblings were a means to keep him informed. He’d lived in another country for so long. Absent him there is no-one really that I want to write for. It’s a bit sad, but I’ve realised that now.

Time is the great healer, but his untimely death has left an unfillable hole in my life – so many things we’d laughed about which no-one else would find funny. It’s less the specifics, more that a whole part of the landscape of my life has disappeared. Absent him no-one else will ever be interested in swathes of our shared experiences.

I miss ‘my friend Andy’ (as I always referred to him to my family) and I am endlessly sad that he’s no longer here to read my scratchings and to laugh, correct, disagree with, indulge and cheer me.

Most of all, I’d hoped we’d waste hours in deckchairs chuckling and watching the world go round; as old men. Perhaps interspersed with the odd game of backgammon just to keep us jousting…

Sadly that most important of deckchairs is now empty.

Life

Trees

Contemplating trees, out walking the dog last weekend, I was struck by a line of them that have been ‘managed’.

And the reason is evident lying on the ground – a great big one that fell last year on a windy day. Without having chunks periodically lopped off them, they’d get too big and too unwieldy for the park authorities.

I was struck by the fact that mighty as they are – each with the same impressive twisted pattern in their hefty trunks – they were all different shapes and had been chopped back in different places. The results were fundamentally not that shapely. They’re impressive and large, but a bit misshapen and not all that handsome in truth. And my eye was drawn to one that visibly had had a big bough lopped off it.

I felt a bit sorry for this tree. What had it done to deserve such a hacking with a chainsaw. And this set me thinking about life… looked at more closely all the older trees were misshapen. They all stood dignified and tall (except the big one now on its back sawn into pieces) but all of them had been trimmed, twisted and bent out of shape by park life.

There were smaller ones which were still perky and largely symmetrical (here’s one with the dog looking on)…

…but the big ones had all had branches which had been cut back and shapes distorted by arrested growth and long life.

And so with trees it seems to me with people. As I looked at the first tree that caught my eye, with its circled chopped bough, it made me think of my own career and life.

Lots of things I have branched out into have come to an end. Jobs and projects either outgrown by new activities or chopped off by life’s ever-active lopping shears. The odd big life branch has even been hacked off against my wishes like that chainsawed bough. My tree is getting more and more twisted and gnarled – but above all distinctive and different with the passage of time.

Big old trees are products of their environment; and when that environment includes people they get shaped, pruned, lopped, frustrated and ultimately felled. But the individual branches matter less over time.

Old trees stand as evidence of perseverance in all conditions. We may be less pretty as we age, but our many years of adaptation and growth, and the storms and setbacks we have weathered ultimately make us much more interesting.

Cookery, Life

Onions

What a remarkable vegetable the onion is…

As I learnt on an Indian cookery course a few years ago, it’s one of the few ingredient which can bring nearly all the flavours permutations, depending on how and how much you cook it.

Is starts sharp and astringent when raw, softens to sweetness, browns to umami and burns to bitterness.

One of my favourite discoveries has been the Burmese way; half an onion softened at the base of a stir fry and then the other half sliced and added in the final 90 seconds, for some late-breaking crunch and kick.

Today I took my onions slow and sweet with gently bubbled chicken and chimichurri, then later caramelised with celery and carrots as the soffritto base for a main course pasta.

And as with onions, so my moods these last 24 hours… Thoroughly sweated and ultimately browned-off yesterday, after overcooking my week of work. But a sweeter day today, culminating in a golden evening of good food and family board games.

Turn down the burner, and savour and sweetness returns.

Life, Work

Ok is ok

I was talking to a nice chap last evening at a 50th birthday party, and found myself sharing some of the many horror stories from jobs I’ve had.

He was laughing and asked me what explains all the changes in role, sector and subject matter in my career? I said it was pretty simple really – in most of my jobs I’ve been like a cat walking on hot bricks looking for the first credible opportunity to jump!

The problem is it has often been from frying pan to fire!

Still, as we chuckled I did say the one advantage is I’m pretty much unshockable these days. Given the number and sheer variety of car crashes I’ve been part of in working life, it’s much harder to knock me out of equilibrium now.

And then I rather amazed myself, by saying I think I’ve finally lost my imposter syndrome… a previously constant companion throughout my working life! Having done a bit of almost everything, (and often having it go wrong on me) I realised I have achieved a greater balance between my expectations and my reality.

Of course the trick is to adjust your expectations – not to try to transform reality. That way madness lies.

In accepting who I am, what I have done and what I can do, I realised last night that a greater sense of equanimity has broken out. It’s not that I don’t care or don’t try – it’s just that I’m a bit more realistic about what I (or anyone) can do about all the things which go on around us.

I suppose I’ve accepted that I may not be amazing at everything that work throws at me; but I’m ok at most of it. And that’s all you really need to be. Ok is ok when you’re in your fifties, it mostly gets the job done.

Friends, Life, Psychology

Of Hope, Mules and Mindfulness

A friend sent me this yesterday, on the topic of hope:

Ah, hope! You probably know the old story. A farmer throws his old, decrepit mule down a well. And starts shovelling earth onto it to bury it.

The mule gets a shovelful of earth in its hair and at first is resigned to be buried alive. Then it notices that if it shakes its head, the earth falls to its side, and that it can step up onto the new soil.

And that’s how it lives (and eventually gets out of the well) – shake it off, and step up. Shake it off, and step up!

And as I replied just now:

A great deal to like here. And the mule is excellent – very much what I think mindfulness is; shaking off the earth one shovelful at a time! 

It’s quite a nice way to think about it really. Especially as we continue to be showered by debris from despots, demagogues – and own goals from our own democratically elected leaders!