Achilles & Aristotle

A problem shared

Lots to learn and lots to figure out in my new job – I’m dreaming complex organisational structures most nights; and in truth, I’d rather not be. But the most important lesson of all is… even if not halved; a problem shared is a problem better understood.

Three people greatly helped me with my problems this week. Not by changing anything about the real world situation; but by taking time, listening, showing concern and helping me to describe what is happening.

It’s a rare person indeed who is prepared to properly care; so I’m very lucky indeed to have access to a handful of exceptional people with great life experience and insight who really do.

None of these people are ‘friends’ in the classic modern description: they’re not people I’ve known since schooldays, inflict my family on or go on holidays with. They’re all people I’ve met in a variety of work situations.

None of them know each other – I don’t even know if they’d get on. But my life is enriched and any problems I have (and there are usually one or two) are reduced by talking to any one of them.

Someone I also saw this week – whose professional life went badly wrong once – asked me if I had anyone to talk to about where I’m at; any kind of support network?

I smiled inwardly at that. The answer is an unequivocal yes. I have some very special people, who will always listen and help me to a better place.

A problem shared with these remarkable friends, really is a problem halved.

Children, Life, Work

Peace in our time

After some months of high emotion, major change, turbulence and anxiety; this morning I woke up knackered – but at peace.

My other half greeted me, observing I looked like ‘death warmed up’; sleepy, unshaven and generally out of it as I staggered into kitchen. True, but that wasn’t the point….

Some minutes later: accompanied by a nice piece of classical music, porridge on the boil; duck ramen, a bunch of flowers and a trip to Sainsburys in my plans – normal service has resumed.

Not that ‘change’ is done. More that it’s here to stay and be lived with. There’s a stack on at work, the kids are growing faster than feels comfortable, and we’re none of us getting any younger…

But yesterday for half term, my smart cookie of a daughter and I toured the architectural wonders of my new workplace, two museums, Chinatown, saw Giacometti sculptures, bought books and ate Japanese.

Perhaps that’s what’s fixed me. I don’t feel rattled, restless or anxious – for the first time in weeks. I just am. And she’s nearly finished munching a ham and cheese croissant in front of me now, so back to it.

Life, Philosophy, Psychology, Science

Perspectives

The thought that ‘people’ are just a manifestation of different causes, drivers and phenomena is an interesting one.

We all have a strong sense of ‘self’. And an equally strong sense of other ‘selves’ too – not least when those other selves jostle, oppress and thwart us.

So the Buddhist doctrines of ’emptiness’ and that we have no ‘inherent existence’ challenge the common sense experience of selves, ourselves and selfishness.

Somewhat tired, somewhat hot; and somewhere between bored and irritated – I had a moment of enlightenment reflecting on this, at a work event this week.

This speaker who is mildly irritating me, on many levels simply does not exist at all…

If I looked at them at the molecular level, they’d just be a greyish fuzz of particles – in fact when you think about it, at the molecular level it probably makes no real sense to think in colours or shapes at all, it’s all a probabilistic blur.

At a bacterial level, that person was a teeming mass of microbes; which largely outnumber ‘their’ own cells. And many of those were probably running faster, because of the heat of the room and the anxiety of speaking.

As they were speaking, the speaker was constantly having holes punched through them by cosmic rays – some generating cellular malfunctions and mutations which the person’s immune system was hopefully mopping up.

At a planetary level, the roomful of people I was sat amongst would be about as visible and significant as a handful of microbes on a Petri dish is to the human eye.

And at a room level, lots of mounds, fungi and little creatures were probably gently coming to life thanks to the light, heat, food and prey that sixty odd people were all exhaling, expelling, shedding and radiating.

And that’s before we get onto scales of time – how does an hour of speeches look on the timeline of a mayfly, an oak tree or a solar system?

With all those things going on, it’s hard to stick with the idea that the only thing happening in that room, was a person with an ego imposing their ego on my ego.

Letting go of the ‘person’ and seeing the myriad causes, effects, scales and timescales in which you could see them, helped me escape irritation; and embrace a sense of wonder.

Different perspectives helped me get a different perspective.

Life, Psychology

FoMO

Plenty of coverage; and several good conversations this week about FoMO – the digitally enabled fear of missing out.

As we all become more and more square-eyed from looking at screens all the time; the inability to separate ourselves from them is becoming a problem for young and old. And also at work…

I’ve found – like a lab rat with sugar solution – that I can’t help looking for and leaping on emails, night as well as day; and at weekends. And if I’m not doing that I’m checking Twitter, LinkedIn, the news or some other source of work-related stimulus.

Is this stimulus or are these stimulants? Today walking in the park with my folks and the kids, we spotted and then admired the stillness of an elegant and ‘professorially’ precise heron, perching and peering from a branch…

For once I don’t have a photo. My phone languished in my pocket as we watched. Not that I didn’t think of it. No phone means no Instagram, no Tweet, no digital record; just an experience, a moment and a memory: which will likely soon be forgotten.

The biggest fear with FoMO is missing out on life. Progressively, since my first iPhone in 2007, they’ve just got better, richer and more interesting as handheld windows on the world. But that’s the trap.

Is it better to watch a heron; or to record and share a heron? If all the focus is on snapping, posting and hashtagging it, have you really seen it at all? And oops there’s a work email; forget herons…

I need to watch my FoMO and (sometimes) stop looking at my screen. I’m putting it down in 5, 4, 3, 2… gone.

Death, Ethics, Life, Psychology

Great love and great compassion

I’ve just finished the Dalai Lama’s ‘How to see yourself as you really are.’ And a penny has dropped…

Some of the Buddhist ideas: notably Karma, the cycle of returns and the idea that we are all constantly living and reliving; these are not for me.

But I do like the concept of ‘impermanence’. Recognising nothing stays constant; and none of us live forever, is in some ways the sum of all fears. But it also means bad times will pass, and that tricky situations generally resolve. ‘Impermanence’ tells me I sometimes work too hard and worry too much.

But the key insight for me came about two pages from the end. And it’s this – very simply put in the Dalai Lama’s own words:

It is important not to become inclined towards solitary peace, because by aiming merely at liberation for your own sake, you lengthen the process of attaining altruistic enlightenment directed to others’ good – the ultimate goal.

By mainly taking care of yourself, you foster a self-cherishing attitude, and this attitude is difficult to overcome later, when you train in great love and great compassion.

Consequently, it is crucial from the very beginning not to fully invest your strength of mind in your own benefit.

Perhaps an easier way to swallow Karma (whilst dropping the reincarnation bit) is this: in every action we take, or person we help or hinder, we create ripples in the world. Mostly small ripples of course, but when added up, we can all do a lot of good – or ill.

Like the proverbial butterfly flapping its wings – a simple word or deed could help another ‘sentient being’ towards happiness; or push them closer to anger, hurt and despair.

I’ve sometimes thought that one person can’t make much of a difference… And so, given who I am, perhaps one day writing a half decent book, would be about the best contribution I could make to mine and future generations.

But shrinking into one’s self is not taking the Dalai Lama’s point – “By mainly taking care of yourself, you foster a self-cherishing attitude.” and “it is crucial from the very beginning not to fully invest your strength of mind in your own benefit.”

I do believe that everyday kindness, care and compassion can make a difference. And since I have maybe as many as 20,000 days left; that’s a lot of help (or hurt) I could dole out. But ‘impermanence’ says I could have a lot fewer days, so best to get on with it.

‘Great love’ and ‘great compassion’ are worth aspiring to. Solitary peace, however beguiling, is not the point of life.