Life – Page 77 – Achilles & Aristotle

Bureaucratic Mirroring

I was interviewed by someone this week who was desperate to find a conspiracy theory. There isn’t one. But she was frustrated. After the interview I described to her the theory of ‘Bureaucratic Mirroring’.

This is the institutional pathology that, even though rationally, people know it’s madness, they can’t escape the subconscious belief that their adversary has the same organisation and structures as they do.

Allegedly a feature of the Cold War, spoofed by Dr Strangelove, the Americans have also been accused of it post 9/11, gearing up for Al Qaeda as though Osama bin Laden had a situation room and Central Command in a bunker under Tora Bora. Bureaucratic Mirroring means you can’t imagine your enemy as other than yourself.

And this came up in conversation over lunch today. We all carry a world-view, a cultural frame of reference and our own personal form of ‘Bureaucratic Mirroring’, assuming others are as we are.

Cosmopolitanism says it ain’t so, we’re all different. Which means letting go of our prejudices and assumptions – as much of any of us can – is vital to escaping our own bunker.

Achilles, Life, Psychology, Work

Rope-a-Dope

A friend and I were discussing the relative merits of, in boxing parlance, ‘keeping your guard up’.

In cricket, a careful guard would be a predisposition towards defence – the style of the opening batsman. Endure and accumulate, rather than the flashing blade of the middle order cavalier. It takes discipline and concentration.

Of course whether a boxer or a batsman, defence is only half the job. You have to land or hit a few too. But a hopeful swing in either can cost you your wicket or your teeth. The point of our conversation was how emotionally ‘open’ to be to others. Guard up or guard down?

I think, generally, I’m pretty emotionally open these days. The upside is pleasant surprises, new friends and enriching moments. The downside is the body shots, low blows and bruises of being hit with other people’s emotional angst.

At times this week I’ve felt like Muhammed Ali in the ‘Rumble in the Jungle’ – soaking up head and body shots. There have been occasions for a positive flurry of revelation, knowledge and ideas. But lots of questioning, buffeting and absorbing the needs of others.

Too much ‘Rope a Dope’ cost Ali his gilded tongue and electric wit – knocked clean out of him. Emotional shots take it out of me too, perhaps I should keep my guard up just a fraction more.

Ethics, Life, Work

Forgiveness

Faced with a well-intentioned but ‘in my face’ accusation of diffidence and avoiding organising large group team building sessions, a strange answer came out: ‘Forgive me’.

I surprised myself with that one. But it felt right. I give big team things a good go, and I give of my best, but they’re not my natural preference. ‘Forgive me’ says I’m not perfect, I have my flaws, I know myself and you can help me do better.

It seemed to work. Disarming, spontaneous and honest – perhaps because it came came from the heart not the head. To err is human and forgiveness starts with myself.

Achilles, Life, Psychology, Work

Affiliation

Troubling news (for me) from the latest in cod psychology last week, as I discover I am low on ‘Affiliation’. It transpires that although my beliefs and values place people in great esteem, my ‘revealed’ self can sometimes take them or leave them. Ouch!

For some reason that hurts. A workplace survey is to blame. Sure ‘we are what we repeatedly do’, and as someone said to me about five years ago ‘behaviour is my saviour’. But to discover I’m more motivated by ‘achievement’ and worst of all ‘power’ has really naffed me off.

Still, if the truth hurts, maybe it’s still worth knowing. I put a lot of effort into people at work and sometimes I get little back. I also tire myself out listening to other people’s problems and frequently ‘go round the houses’ to avoid ‘imposing’ or ‘forcing the issue’. Perhaps there’s something to be said for ‘route one’ and just getting it done. I know my own mind and sometimes I should just speak it. I used to.

On a work trip today I was pleasant and engaged. But I did three things I wouldn’t have pre my latest ‘test results’. First, I stopped myself from sending an email afterwards saying everything was great, because some of it wasn’t. Second, I ruthlessly deployed a friend’s trick of navigating a busy station by staring fixedly at the floor ten feet ahead. Miraculously people part like the Red Sea, the opposite of what happens if you make ‘Affiliative’ eye contact. And third I’ve just ignored a taxi driver who obviously was up for a natter (which I wasn’t) by sitting quietly tapping this on my iPhone.

Selfish? Maybe. But perhaps I’ve been giving too much of myself too heedlessly. The beneficiaries of this lapse in ‘Affiliation’? My family, who will get Dad in good time and with batteries a bit more charged. Not bad given the early start.

I’m still smarting from the test, but perhaps the diagnosis is right. It seems good ‘Affiliation’ for me is using my ‘people energy’ more wisely – with the people who matter the most.

Aristotle, Ethics, Life, Philosophy, Psychology

The Art of Friendship

I listened to a Philosophy Bites podcast this week on the topic of ‘friendship’. It made me think afresh about the balance of ‘duties to all’ versus special treatment for a ‘selected few’ – i.e. our friends.

Alexander Nehamas’ argument is, post Immanuel Kant, many of us have come to believe that privileging our friends over others is less ‘moral’ than treating everyone the same – even strangers and people we’ll never meet. This is Kant’s Categorical Imperative, act in ways you would ‘will’ to be universal laws.

But friends are different than everyone else in our lives. For Aristotle – although he might not recognise the modern version – friends are the purpose of life and our virtue revolves around them.

Nehemas’ suggestion is we should think of friends on different plane than ethics. We should think of them more as we think of art and artists. We are interested in our friends for their ‘specialness’, what is individual and distinctive about them, not for their commonalities. We are friends to co-create distinctive, memorable, pages in our life stories.

And this is why drifting apart from friends hurts them so much. Not only do we reject them as people, we turn over – even tear out – the pages of life we created with them; in favour of new friends and new pages.

This is a very different take on friends – friends as narrative growth, not past history. Is what makes us different and how we are growing what matters most in friendship; more even than what we have in common or did together in the past?

Friends as bringers of difference, individuality and new embroidery in life’s rich tapestry, is a very different way of thinking of them. ‘Individuation’, creativity and art are very different registers from ethics, equivalence and fairness. Friends as ‘works of art’ we have a hand in creating, is a nice way of looking at each other.